Advance Wars: Unscripted
by Sanity's Epitaph
Summary: No longer with the old summary! Brand new!rnrnFollow the adventures of the Orange Star COs as they battle (more or less) through Wars World! And meet many people, just as stupid as everyone else. Except for Sonja. She's the only smart one. I'm ranting, ar
1. Default Chapter

Advance Wars: Unscripted

Disclaimer: I do not own Advance Wars. I do not own Home shopping channel. I do not take purple pills. I do not own Santa Claus. I do not own the Teletubbies. I do not own Looney Toons. I do not own anvils. I do not own bush, but, as a Canadian, I can reserve the right to point and laugh Does so. I do not own Animal Crossing. I do not own South Park. I DO own my creative spirit. I do not own Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. I do not own Starcraft. I do not own Family Guy.

Disclaimer: Disclaimers can be bad for your health.

Disclaimer: I Disclaim Disclaimers so the Disclaimer Corporation can't nail me! Bwa ha ha!

Joe: Before I Begin, This is what advance wars would be like if the characters were not following scripts. I got this Knowledge of what they are really like after piecing it together with sugar packets. It doesn't make any sense, I know, but just hear me out!

Advance Wars: Unscripted, Chapter 1: It's Christma- I mean War!

Nell: "Joe! Andy! Do you read me?"

Joe: "I read you alright!" Growls

Andy: "Um, hi, Home Shopping channel? I Want the Set of Gold-plated wrenches."

Nell: "oo" "It's me, Nell. Stop using Expensive Military Technology to order from home shopping channel."

Andy: "Okay. Me Go shoot stuff now." Picks up a banana

Nell: "0o" "Ookaaay… Joe, give him his medication."

Joe: "Yes Ma'am!" Smirks

Andy: "Yay! Purple Pills!" Takes pills "Wrenchs!"

Olaf: "Yes! Some tiny punk CO is my opponent! Happy days are here again! I Laugh at you." Laughs "See?"

Joe: "Shove a rifle up your ass!"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Joe: "Even Better!"

Olaf: "Aagh! The agony! Those were very mean things to say! I'll get you for that!" Sends Troops and puts on naughty list

Joe: Evil Voice "You think to challenge ME!?" Laugh Like Evil Maniac

Olaf: "Man that's scary!" Hides eyes with Sleigh Pillow "EEEWWW!!! Smells like hemorrhoids!"

Joe: "0o" "…Yuck…"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

You: "::" "Oh dear god…"

Olaf: "That smell was bad! I'll blow it out of my nostrils!" "Let the winds of war bring snow!" "Now the smell is gone, and you're cold!"

Joe: "Ha! Sucker! I have a furnace!" Point and laugh

Olaf: "Crap…"

Andy: "Wrenchs!" Breaks Furnace

Joe: "Whatever, Time to end this. Since I'm the writer I'll write in that you are vanquished in an imaginative way." Starts Writing

Olaf: "Hey, that's not fair! You are outnumbered, outgunned, and your furnace has broken down. Surrender! Do it so I can shoot you, you, you, Evil Guy! I mean, sure I'm evil, but you make the death squad look like the Teletubbies!"

Joe: "Thank you. Anyways, I'll steal Andy's CO power Meter, and use it to power corny Looney toons gags!" Laugh Maniacally

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Olaf: "0o" "Woot?"

Joe: sigh "It'll be easier to show you." Raise Arm triumphantly into air

"Let the Anvils Fall from the Sky!"

anvils fall from rain clouds and kill all of Olaf's Troops

Joe: "Splat! Ha! Try to invade a sovereign nation, huh? Bush got away with it, but he had a valid reason! Sort of. Well, okay, you both want oil, but screw you!"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Olaf: "What the HELL!? That was SO Immature! And Impossible."

Joe: "Thanks. But you're one to talk! You have midget slave labor! But they don't work as cheap as Undead." Laugh Even Eviler

Olaf: "You're So mean! You're so evil, you make that Tom Nook look like an adorable animal!"

Joe: 0o

Inu yasha: ''

Kagome: 00

Cartman: 

Kenny: "Mmhp! Mhm mhhphm mhmn mhpm! (Aagh! You're so stupid!)"

Chef: "Children! You get back to your own show right now!"

Kenny, Cartman, Kyle and Stan: "Ok chef."

Kenny: "Mphm! Mm Mh! (Help! My Head) Gets head stuck in closing portal Is Severed

Stan: "Oh my god, you killed Kenny!"

Kyle: "You bas-portal Fully closes

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Tom Nook: "." "I am."

Joe: "Crap! How did they get here!?"

Joe's creative spirit: "Me. I brought them here, you ass! You getting all the credit, and I get squat!"

Joe: "You DO get credit! You're me, so I'm you, so you get credit, BECAUSE I get credit."

Joe's creative spirit: "Oh. Okay then." Sits humming to self/me

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Nell: "Ahem. Back to the topic at hand."

Joe: "Yes. Olaf, you said, 'You're so evil, you make that Tom Nook Look like an adorable animal!' but he is! -- Finally!"

Olaf: "Oh. I guess that was a bad example."

Joe: sarcasm laden "Gee, Ya Think? Man you're an idiot!"

Olaf: "That's it! My troops are dead, and my reindeer, my cities squished, my bum hurts, my legs are asleep, and your infantry are urinating on my Snowy HQ!"

Infantry #777: "Hey, I can write my name!"

Infantry #1693: "I can't! Waah!" Throws hissy fit on top of HQ, squashing it

Olaf: "I lost again!" cries "What do you have to say for yourself!?"

Andy: "You got your but kicked by Joe. I was medicated at the time."gets shot in butt with needle

Joe: "Still are!"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Olaf: "Bah! I would've won if Orange star hadn't developed advisors! Because if Andy is the caliber of CO that Orange star is using, I'm surprised I haven't already won!"

Andy: "Wren… ugh… Who the hell are you?

Olaf: "Time to save face! Throughout orange star I was known as…

Nell: "Frosty?"

Andy: "Nell's papa?"

Nell: "That's it! Medication!"

Andy: "Yay! Purple Pills!"

FFTA's Mewt: "Mama?"

Starcrafts Zeratul: "James Raynor?"

Peter Griffin: "Grizzly adams?"

Anonymous: "Grit's Gay boyfriend?"

Grit: "Muh Boyfran'?"

Andy: "Wrench?"

Joe: "Santa claus?"

Olaf: "Yes I'm santa clau-NO! Dammit! You are definitely getting some furnace fuel! Youth these days! No respect! You cheat your way into power, and people treat you like you did something wrong! Grr… call me a wrench, will ya?"

Andy: "Wrench!"

Olaf: "You are so gonna be found dead with a sleigh strut up your bum-bum! Waaaaaaaaaaah!" Runs crying

Andy: "Joe Won! Wrenchs! Wrenchs for all! Stuffs stockings

FIN (or for those of you who don't know the meaning, The End!)

JS: Chapter one of fiction #2, AW Fic #1. Review please, or be attacked by nun-chuck wielding Ice-cream Men/Reanimated corpses that makes Resident Evil look like Palm Springs!

Andy: Wrenchs!

JS: Umm… Andy, it's over. Go back to your padded cell and play the Quiet game.

Andy: Wrenchs! Runs into cell

Js: I'd kill him, but I don't want to have to deal with Stupid Steroid Schmuck or Miss Machinegun Wars world…

Hachi: Just give up.

JS: NEVER! For that you die.

Hachi: Wha…? Dies that's not fair!

JS: Fine then, stay alive! See if I care. And time to eat some eggo waffles! And remember: No matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. I see my work here is done.

Next Chapter: The Texas Indirect Massacre!


	2. The Texas Indirect Massacre

Advance Wars: Unscripted

Joe Skipsey: Hi there! It's me again, but this time around, I'm going with only very few crossovers from different stuff, and my ideas have gotten a bit better, If you call even crazier better...

Disclaimer: I do not own Advance Wars. I do not own Animal Crossing. I do not own, but like 8-bit theater (Go to the site :D). I do not own the realm of death, but give me a couple years and we'll see. I do not own Soap-on-a-rope, but it doesn't really come into play in this chapter, but I'll Disclaim it anyways...

Disclaimer: Not responsible for Loss of life, limb, or sense of smell, STDs, Homicides, rapes, genocide, Pregnancy, Impotency, arrest on the charges of drug use, possession, or growing, or zits.

Random Quote: "You take that back! Or I'll do to you what I did to the beatles! Flashback "John, have met Yoko? Yoko, John, John, Yoko."

Joe: "Whee! Nonsensical Randomness for you, you and you, but not you!"

Joe: "Oh, and by the by, Here's a legend. Thoughts Actions "Words" There we go!"

Advance Wars: Unscripted, Chapter 2: The Texas Indirect Massacre!

Olaf: "Grit! Grit! Where ARE You!?"

Grit: Emerges from closet "Right Here, O' Fuzz-Face. You KNOW that we're Recruitin' Female COs today!"

Olaf: Horny Texan Bastard! "FUZZ-FACE!!! IS THAT HOW YOU ADDRESS YOUR LEADER, COMMANDING OFFICER, AND DICTATOR!?

Grit: "Geez! Sorry! A slip o' the tongue, commander."

Olaf: "But you're the country music star!"

Grit: "Yeap."

Olaf: "No time for this kind of thing/argument!"

Grit: "Wait... It's all right to read that, but if you said it aloud-"

Olaf: "I Said DROP IT! Oh, you are so going to the front lines! As my intelligent brother-who I keep locked up to keep him from taking his rightful spot as the first-born son, Due to the fact that there's a law that only the first-born son has the right to rule-predicted, Orange Star forces have been deployed in that area. Our Contingent in the area has some indirect units for you. Now Go there!"

Grit: "You mean personally, like, in person?"

Olaf: "No Shit Sherlock!"

Grit: "But I'm not Sherlock! I'm Grit!"

Olaf: "Just... Just... Go......"

Grit: "Okay, okay, I'm goin'!" Leaves

Olaf: Ho Ho-er, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Those Orange Star fools will never see it coming!" Enters Closet "Hello there!"

Female CO Candidate: "EEEEEEEEK!!!!!!! Santa, don't give me coal!"

Meanwhile, at an un-disclosed location in Orange Star

Nell: "Joe! Andy! Can you hear me?"

Joe: "No, We can't. What do you think!?"

Andy: "I can hear something!"

Olaf: "I'M NOT SANTA!!!!!!!!!"

Andy: "Its Olaf! Screaming something about him not being santa- gets shot in butt with needle Wrenchs!"

Joe: "Thank Wars World for Ritalin in a needle!"

Nell: "You said it. Anyways, do you know about factories?"

Joe: "Gee, that's a tough one. Lemme think. YES!"

Nell: "Does Andy?"

Joe: "Oy-vey, I've lost my will to be sarcastic..."

Andy: "Wrenchs!" Shakes head

Nell: "Meh. We'll get along."

Grit: "Yup."

Nell: "Aah! Where did you come from!?"

Grit: "Well, Olaf got mad at you for defeating him, so he sent me down here to open a can of "You're goin' down", so here I am. Blows kiss to Nell"

Nell: "GRIT! WE HAVEN'T BEEN A COUPLE IN 10 YEARS, SO F-CK OFF! Slams down Receiver on Transceiver"

Grit: "Ouch. Anyways, Hi junior. Ah'm Grit, Blue moons Indirect Specialist, and country music star." Sings a crappy little country song

Joe: "You...SUCK!"

Grit: "Do not! Ask junior there!"

Andy: Nods head "Wrenchs!"

Joe: "Screw you Andy, you can fight him yourself."

Andy: Nods head "Wrenchs!"

Grit: "0o" "Woot?"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Grit: "0/0" "Stop that!"

Andy: "...Wrenchity wrench wrench wrench!"

Grit: "Aw, you just got git me MAD!" Sends All his units, which are only rockets and artillery in after him

Andy: "EEK!" Builds mech-anics

Joe: "Wait, you can't do that! There's no such unit!"

Grit: "Oh well, lets just humor him. Of course he IS dead next turn, so it makes no difference."

Andy: "Follow my lead!" Throws wrenchs at grits indirect force

Mech-anics: "Whatever." Follows Andy's lead

Grit: "Whatever, it's not like you could do anything. FIRE THE LASER!

Assistant: "Uh, sir, we don't... have... a laser."

Grit: "You mean it hasn't arrived yet?"

Assistant: "That's right. It takes 5 business days, unless you UPS it."

Grit: "Oh. Okay then. FIRE THE ARTILLERY SHELLS! FIRE THE ROCKETS! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! GEH HE HEH HEH HEH! Gets blasted halfway across map What!? What jes' happened!? Sees through Binoculars that blackened wrenchs are falling out of every launching device, which are shredded NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY LASER! Thanks to me spending the budgets for today and tomorrow on the laser, and having no other units, I guess this might be- I mean... all according to plan!"

Andy: Pulls out spare wrench "Yay! Wrenchs conquer all!" Beans Grit in the head

Grit: "Aiee. I am Vanq...uished..." also gets hit by Anvil

Joe: "Heh heh heh." Shrugs "Couldn't Resist. You understand."

Victory Screen and Victory music plays

Max: "I always win!"

Andy: "What!? But I won, Not you!" "Wrenchs"

Max: "Shut up, I won, and it was me alon-dies

Andy: holding Blood-covered wrench "Yay for Wrenchs!"

FIN (or for those of you who don't know the meaning, The End!)

JS: Chapter Two (YES!!!) of fiction #2, AW Fic #1. Review please, or have your soul sucked out by flying monkeys/Demonic Munchkin Beanie babies!

Demonic Munchkin Beanie Baby: "You Know I will."

JS: "Down Bubba!"

JS: "I just got my paws on some odd 50 or 60 games for free, and some are actually pretty fun. Special thanks to Ricky Hucul! Cheers"

It's only funny until someone loses an eye. Then it's Hilarious!

I like One-piece. Someone, anyone, get me a website that lets you download the manga or shonen as a savable picture. Or send me scanned pages, I beg of you! Breaks down weeping

Next Chapter: Air Ace-hole!


	3. Air Acehole

Produced By: Huh? Studios

Created By: Me, known as Joieme, Joeskipsey, and sometimes Joeshmoe.

Advance Wars: Unscripted

Disclaimer: I do not own Advance Wars, though I borrow it from my pal Tory sometimes. I do not own or take purple pills. I do not own the reviews given to me that have instituted a change or two. I do not own anchovies. I do not own spam. I do not own Speedo. I do not own _Meanwhile, back at the ranch_. I do not own the argument of Boxers or Briefs. I do not own Stupidity. I do not own Bob the Soldier. I do not own battle computer. I do not own The Beatles hit "Yellow Submarine".

Disclaimer: I disclaim all responsibility from lawsuits of any kind. By reading this fic, you cannot charge me for breaking any copyright laws. Or the Young Offenders Act.

Joe: Hello again! I just love these things. You can write whatever you want, whenever you want. I like to read. See? Oh, this thing is fun. Sorry if there are spelling errors, I kinda did this in a week, working on comps I can only use irregularly. Reviews are welcomed, no reviews… acceptable. But not recommended.

Andy: Thank you for reviewing, and saving me from the purple pills, Keeper of the scarf! My Hero! Weeps

Joe: And thank you Starfoxrocks, and Muk master for reviewing. Bows

Advance Wars: Unscripted, Chapter 3: Air Ace-hole

Andy: Now what?

Joe: I don't know. It's your game!

Andy: So?

Joe: Whatever. Lets go to those islands over there.

Andy: Wheeee! We're going on a vacation!

Joe: No, we're not. And don't you dare start singing!

_Meanwhile, back at the ranch…uh, I mean, Green earth…_

Eagle: What the poo!? Some weird Mall kid attacked us!

Random Soldier: Maelstrom.

Eagle: Oh, right. Wait, did you just correct me?

Random Soldier: Uhhhhh… No?

Eagle: Good! Otherwise you'd have HAD TO DIE!

Random Soldier: EEEEEEPPPP!

Eagle: But you didn't so… Lets go attack Orange star because they have a hyperactive kid that looks like the one that attacked us, but couldn't possibly be because he was fending off an invasion, and the kid we saw was a mission obsessed freak. Plus, nobody likes anchovies.

Random Soldier: How does that work out?

Eagle: Well, he didn't hang up the receiver, tried to call the pizza place, and wanted a large with extra Anchovies.

Random Soldier: What's wrong with anchovies? I love 'em.

Eagle: ARGH! SPAWN OF SPAM! Shoots soldier

Drake: What the deuce!?

Eagle: An… an… An Anchovy lover!

Drake: Oh. Well, just get the recruiters to ask if they like anchovies.

Eagle: NEVER! It's the right course of action. You know we never do anything logical.

Drake: Oh, right. Ok then, go attack the guy from orange star, while I stay here to secure Green earth by tanning on the deck wearing a Speedo.

Eagle: How will that fortify us?

Drake: The enemy will be puking too much to attack. See?

Eagle: barf Blarf! Weapon of Mass Disgustion! It's Decided!

Drake: The pointless attack?

Eagle: No, Boxers or Briefs. Definitely Boxers.

_Day 17_

Andy: Where the wrenchs is the attacky person?

Joe: I Don't know…

Andy: Maybe he was attacked by yellow comet? Looks at Kanbei

Kanbei: We all hic Live in a Yellow Submarine! A yellow hic Submarine, A Yellow Submarine!

Joe: Hmmm… Nah, Kanbei's wasted.

Kanbei: Inebrieated!

Joe: Actually, the word is inebriated, and you're not supposed to be here yet.

Kanbei: Oh… Well I'll be going then. Be fighting you later! Hops into yellow submarine In the Navy!

Joe: Good riddance.

_Day 32_

Eagle: Ha ha ha! Makes very flashy entrance to hide the fact he's OLD!

Joe: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Andy: yawn Oh… Finally. Where were you?

Eagle: I was… I don't know… Hmmm…

Andy: Oh well, you here now!

Eagle: Or am I?

Andy: Uh… Yeah, you are.

Eagle: Oh, okay. Time to fight!

Andy: Yes! Lets GO! Makes a recon

Eagle: Muwa ha ha ha! You can't win! All his units explode for no apparent reason What's going on!?

Battle Computer: Low Fuel, Danger! Low Fuel, Danger! Explodes

Eagle: I knew I should've put more than 5 bucks in!

Random Soldier: That's what I said when we stopped at the Blue Moon Esso.

Eagle: Wow! You're Smart! You are now my chief smart guy. You shall no longer be Random Soldier. You are now… Bob the soldier!

Bob the Soldier: Whatever. We're all dead anyways. Plus, you shot me back in Green Earth. Dies again

Victory screen appears

Andy: Yes! I always win! Except when I don't!

Joe: ZZZZzzzzzz… What? Huh? Who? What is going on!?

Andy: I beat Eagle!

Joe: You mean I slept through it? I guess Eagle must be even stupider than you. How can he breathe? More Importantly, what's for lunch?  
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There we go. Another chapter, and you can enjoy the fruits of my labors. They're apples. And remember, you can get farther with a kind word and a sub-machine than with a kind word alone.

Next Chapter: Chapter 4: I don't know yet, wait until I borrow it again!


End file.
